Friday, February 7, 2014
A Woman in Process...
Yesterday morning I dug through the storage closet on our porch pulling out two bright turquoise tubs each filled to the brim with a space bag shrunken down collection. The apartment was picked-up, vacuumed and my plan was for me to get through the tubs last night while my husband was off at school for the evening. The snow changed his plans so he was home with us instead. I could hear his voice behind me singing a song to our precious daughter he was holding while I opened the first bin. The sound of the air filling the bag hit me first and it was a surprise, like a gasp. And then I gasped as my fingers first encounter the tiny newborn clothes for a little boy. The eyes of the little crab seemed to laugh at me, mocking me with their joy.
I always planned to have lots of children. Even now as I write, I am snuggled up in a quilt my great-grandmother made (in the photo above) that was passed down to my mother and then eventually to me about 6 years ago. I always thought it would be filled with children as our family would gather on it to take a picture one day when I would be old and silver-haired. I sat there last night on the floor, the quilt covering my lap and clutching the baby boy sleeping sacks to my chest, sobs shook my body as I tried to let go of that hope. A little hand appeared on my back rubbing little circles, my precious almost-two year old was trying to comfort me with her tender heart. My husband came over to my side and said," Shanna, all hope is not gone. Someday the Lord may gift us that boy through adoption." Suddenly my world turned back around and the little seed of hope I wish to purge has instead been planted back within me. So though it is time to perhaps go through a few baby items of Miss Z's, I think I shall still hold onto that little crab shirt.