Friday, February 7, 2014

A Woman in Process...

The process of cleaning, organizing and purging one's processions is enjoyable for me. I don't want to be bogged down just by things. I was very confident that I was at a place where I could pull out all the baby items and finally go through them. The idea is of course to save some for Miss Z to share with her children one day, and to pass on the rest to those I know having children.

Yesterday morning I dug through the storage closet on our porch pulling out two bright turquoise tubs each filled to the brim with a space bag shrunken down collection. The apartment was picked-up, vacuumed and my plan was for me to get through the tubs last night while my husband was off at school for the evening. The snow changed his plans so he was home with us instead.  I could hear his voice behind me singing a song to our precious daughter he was holding while I opened the first bin.  The sound of the air filling the bag hit me first and it was a surprise, like a gasp. And then I gasped as my fingers first encounter the tiny newborn clothes for a little boy.  The eyes of the little crab seemed to laugh at me, mocking me with their joy.

I always planned to have lots of children. Even now as I write, I am snuggled up in a quilt my great-grandmother made (in the photo above) that was passed down to my mother and then eventually to me about 6 years ago.  I always thought it would be filled with children as our family would gather on it to take a picture one day when I would be old and silver-haired. I sat there last night on the floor, the quilt covering my lap and clutching the baby boy sleeping sacks to my chest, sobs shook my body as I tried to let go of that hope.  A little hand appeared on my back rubbing little circles, my precious almost-two year old was trying to comfort me with her tender heart.  My husband came over to my side and said," Shanna, all hope is not gone.  Someday the Lord may gift us that boy through adoption." Suddenly my world turned back around and the little seed of hope I wish to purge has instead been planted back within me.  So though it is time to perhaps go through a few baby items of Miss Z's, I think I shall still hold onto that little crab shirt.



  1. Shanna, I know that you've heard the saying "God works in mysterious ways". I have always wanted a girl, but I never had children of my own. I married a man with two grown girls, which are wonderful, but it's not the same. Then my step-daughter had children, another chance to a girl, she had two boys (which I dearly love....but) and didn't plan to have more. Then this past summer, she remarried a man with two little girls. I finally have my girls. You just never know! :)

  2. My brother and his wife adopted a baby boy 8 months ago. He is the joy of our family, I hope and pray your little guy finds you! HUGS!

  3. The Lord does work in mysterious ways. He is with you in this difficult time. And so are we. Thank you for sharing, Shanna.

  4. What a beautiful quilt and heirloom. It's amazing how much it hurts when we understand that plans and dreams we had will never be realized. Staying open with love and hope to all possibilities can at times be difficult. I hope that your 'difficult' moments are few and far between, and that the space in between is filled with love and wonderful memories to cherish.

  5. You have been through so much. I do hope that little fellow wings his way into your home soon.

  6. Trust in the Lord, Shanna. He knows about your pain and your desires. He loves you. I know it's hard to let go and lay your burdens at His feet. But that is the only way for us to have His sweet rest and the peace that passes all understanding. I am having to do this at this time, as well. For different reasons, yes, but the process and end result are the same. My prayers are with you, my friend.


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